I’ve been on an extended training venture in Austin, Texas since October 29.
This is the first time I’ve had an adventure that took me away for my own career. I was a welding girlfriend, then a welding wife. While it was the hardest thing, it unfortunately turned into the easiest thing.
Distance is hard.
It’s especially hard when you feel like you’re missing important things. Your kids growing. Holidays. Birthdays. Life, going on, while you’re helplessly stuck in isolation.
What may be harder, though, is when you’re helplessly stuck in isolation and there is no little one missing you.
It has struck me over and over again these last few years that all of that time raising a little human is behind me.
And I had the best little human, guys. I mean, I love so many of yours, too.
But mine was…mine.
Tonight, in between training sessions, I had Spotify on Shuffle, and “While You Were Sleeping” by Elvis Perkins came on.
I listened to this song a lot as I began to navigate Intro to Teen Parenting. Sometimes I swear I could see Hunter growing as he slept. Sometimes I needed to remember how fleeting this time was (spoiler alert: you can’t fully grasp it while it’s happening, so please try to cherish what you can and hold onto those memories).
For those of you more inclined to an auditory/musical slant:
For those ready for the Cliffs Notes:
While you were sleepingYour babies grew
The stars shined and the shadows moved
Time flew, the phone rang
There was a silence when the kitchen sang
While you were sleeping you tossed you turned
You rolled your eyes as the world burned
The heavens fell the earth quaked
I thought you must be but you weren’t awake, no
You were dreaming you ignored the sun
You grew your power garden for your little ones
And danced uh ohWhile you were sleeping I tossed and I turned too
I closed my eyes but the future burned through
The planet turned a hair grey as I relived the dayFull of dreams you overslept
In keeping with the quiet through the walls I crept
I walked on tip-toes sent darkness swirling over all
In the early morning
Uh oh uh ohI’ll never catch up to you who sleep so sound
My yawns are useless my heart beats too loudAnd it’ll haunt you my honey bee
Anyone who’s anyone has that same dream
Were you falling were you flying and were you calling
Out or were you dying
But thank god you’re up now let’s stay this way
Else there’ll be no mornings and no more days
So it is tonight that I find the hard part to be the fact that I don’t have that little face waiting for me anymore.
I was there for the first words. The first steps. The first words read aloud.
The first time dating.
The first time driving.
The first time backing into a mailbox.
What I’m not there for is the triumph with the first adult job.
The navigation of the first month of bills.
The everyday minutiae of adulthood.
I love my baby every single day. But oh, do I miss him.
If yours are near, hug them. If not, call them. And remember, through every challenging minute, that there will come a time you wish that you had it back, even for a moment.
I love ya s’much, little Hunter.