Jen's Guide to Must-Watch Quarantine Movies • Freelance by Jen

Hi.

Day Four here.

I’m not out of donuts, but I’m out of the top tier donuts.

I noticed the robe belt ends are shorter when I tie my robe belt. Some might say that means I’m a little thicker in the midsection, but I know the reality – that I keep my love for all of you there, in my midsection. So it’s natural, and even preferable, that it’s growing this fast. That’s where the heart is, right? Somewhere around, or inside, the stomach?

Guys, I’m not here to brag about my human anatomy knowledge.

I’m here to talk about movies.

I made a goal to watch a lot more movies in 2020, and as luck would have it, I find myself currently with more time on my hands to do just that. I have seen seven movies since Monday, because slow and steady, and as I watched one last night (before tuning back into Tiger King and considering, AGAIN, very loosely piercing my eyebrow), I thought, man, I should make a list of all my week-one quarantine movies. Then I thought nah man, I should make a short list of movies that are great to watch during quarantine.

Without further adieu:

JEN’S MAGICAL QUARANTINE/EXISTENTIAL DREAD MOVIE LIST

CONTAGION. (Hulu) What’s better than a movie about a pandemic happening while a blogger tries to incite mass paranoia just to stir people up needlessly? Plenty of things. Still leaving this on the list.
OUTBREAK. (Netflix) Haha guys it’s a movie about a bug that liquifies your internal organs and also spread a lot in a movie theater. Weird huh? Also, Rene Russo – come on back. We need you now more than ever.
TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE. (Amazon) There should be no trouble here. Flatten the curve. Yet, that’s not what happens in this fun lil’ movie about baseball that Clint Eastwood and Amy Adams are in.
ROOM. (Netflix) Whoa, it’s a movie about two people stuck in a room together not knowing what the hell is really happening outside and having to use their wits to even stay entertained and what is a leaf anyway? What are shoes?
PANIC ROOM. (Crackle, also Amazon though) Everything’s fine here, guys. This is totally cool and there’s no reason to panic. People are overrated really anyway and you liked your house at one time, right? It used to be your refuge right? Your happy place? Didn’t you used to wish for more sleep? Well, LOOK AT YOU NOW. Just look. Oh, also, Jodie Foster’s in it.
WHAT DID JACK DO? (Netflix) David Lynch, 17 minutes long, monkey. It’s kinda like some of the scenarios I’ve been hallucinating and kinda totally different. I’m working some shit out.
MR. MOM (Amazon) This is about a guy who suddenly finds himself at home with no real job and he wears the same flannel shirt days in a row and gets real messed up psychologically and there are kids in the house too.
HOARDERS (Hulu) This is actually a tv show in case you’ve been living under a rock or something for the past bunch of years but I find it relevant both because of other hoarders you hear about in the news and also because it feels very claustrophobic watching it like the walls are kinda closing in on you which is fine and not what’s actually happening at all in real life.
BURIED (Amazon) I used to scare myself thinking about how horrible it would be to be trapped in a small space unable to get out, buried alive. At least we’re not underground right guys hahahahahahahaha with Ryan Reynolds.
WIFE SWAP (Paramount Networks) Sorry, ladies, you’re not going anywhere. But if you long for the days in which we casually went to other houses like it was normal, escape in this absurdity. And “Plug in Your Bus!” is still the best line to ever come from the series. Change my mind.