I’ve been thinking a lot this week about what living my vocation means. After hearing Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker’s heartbreaking commencement speech, everything in me wants to hibernate. The loud silence from the Kansas City Chiefs, broken only by owner’s wife Tayvia Hunt defending Butker, has made the week harder.
The Message to Women
I don’t really know where to begin here. Butker managed to attack women, the LGBTQ+ community, and almost the entire working class in his Benedictine College commencement speech. His words were incredibly tone-deaf and absolutely hurtful. And I guess, if I had one thing to say to him, it would be “How dare you.”
I have no issues with women having the incredible opportunity to stay home and raise their children if that is what they want and are able to do. I wish I had been able to stay with my son as my vocation. As it was, I was able to stay home for the first four amazing months. When I went back to school, I still got to spend a lot of time with him, so it wasn’t until he was eight months old that I began working full time.
I cried every day. I hated leaving him. But I didn’t have a choice. We had very limited resources, and no ability to just create money. My vocation was born of necessity.
The Feelings
Reading hot takes about the speech from 1. men who haven’t thought it through and, most painfully, 2. women who had that amazing opportunity but don’t see how it’s not possible for everyone, hurt so much. It’s not as simple as “making sacrifices.” My little family had almost nothing left to sacrifice, except for our literal tiny home. We loved and ate all of our WIC food staples. I will forever be grateful for milk and eggs and butter and cheese and cornflakes and PINEAPPLE JUICE. We would not have gotten far without those awesome handouts.
Butker’s wife very likely loves her life, and who could blame her? She has resources upon resources and so, so much help. I would have taken those opportunities in a second. And, who knows, I might have been able to entertain having a second baby – something that was absolutely off the table for us.
But it wasn’t just the part about women that hit. It was the casual dismissal of another community, our LGBTQIA+ friends. It was the mocking of Pride month and associating it with something shameful, specifically, one of the seven deadly sins.
The Question
Why is who we love something to put down? Why is it associated with someone’s whole identity? Who we love should barely be a blip in the collective radar when looking at what makes us – us. There are obvious exceptions – do we love a narcissist? Do we absorb someone’s personality in an attempt to mold ourselves to who THEY are? Because, I mean, I’ve been guilty of this and it is for sure problematic. Thank god for therapy, amirite? But I think of myself as a woman who loves to foster community and volunteer and hang out with her kids and listen to true crime podcasts. I love to find ways to crack the code of menopause and move my body for at least 30 minutes a day. Also, I’m married to a man whose belief system is pretty aligned with mine, and I sure love him.
My Vocation
Something else I’ve thought about a lot is my vocation. While I did have to work during my son’s childhood, my focus truly was on how much I loved being a mom. I worked to live until I was 42, and didn’t find “my calling” until I began at my current job that year. My vocation fulfills me, but I also recognize that I need to have a life outside of it. What I love most is to write, and that’s what I’m trying to fill my spare time doing and thinking about. And that’s okay, just as it is okay for anyone to fill their time with what makes them feel fulfilled.
Equality
What I never want to do is put down another group of people, or any individual. That’s what makes this all so hard. Isn’t my reaction to this speech and those defending it judgmental? If I sit in judgement of anyone, doesn’t that put me on the exact same level as those sitting in judgement of those who hated the speech? Damn, is it easy to fall into these rabbit holes.
However, I’ve spent enough of my life shrinking myself to fit into a societal box that I deem acceptable. I have spent so much time pretending not to care about things I care about. I’ve long since accepted that the things I love do not align with the area of the country I live in. But I wanted people to like me, so I kept quiet. I’m so tired of being quiet and keeping the peace.
What matters to me is equality. I think we should all be treated equally, and allow for the differences of others. Unless someone is being truly hurtful in their speech or actions, I think we should all have chances. (I do hate trolls in all forms – except troll dolls, obvs – and they can absolutely fuck off).
Figuring it Out
At the end of the day, this headline will die. The Chiefs will not respond, nor will there be any ramifications for Butker. The audience of women that Taylor Swift brought to football will diminish, but not too much. And we’ll all keep moving forward. But damn, do I hate it.
As much as I have loved to see the progress in the world in this time I’ve been alive, I also hate to see the steps backward that we’re taking in our country. The steps that are hurting women, and the gay and trans communities, in the name of religion. The religion I grew up in preached loving everyone, and I don’t know when that changed, but it seems as though it did.
But the takeaway for me will be that it’s always more important to keep fighting for what you believe in than to lay down and die. And I will always, always keep fighting, for myself and those I love as well as the disenfranchised.
Thanks for listening. And if you wanna know how you can help – I’ve got some ideas. #vote