The Loneliness and the Scream

This song has been my salvation since 2013, which is basically forever.

Today, for me, has really just started.

It’s 4 p.m.

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I ate my kitchen due to sheer boredom. Like, I ate four pieces of jelly toast because my friend Callie delivered this redbud jelly to me and oh my GOSH I had no idea how incredible redbud jelly is and then also I had some snack cakes and played Yahtzee and watched bad movies til I passed out around 4a. And had a real moment today when I wondered how much longer I could go on basically eating myself into food comas regularly and just wearing stretchy pants.

I’m seeing the worst side of myself at the same time I’m seeing other people post so many amazing, creative things…the highlight reel syndrome of it all. Even though I logically know these are obviously the coolest things people are doing, and not sharing the hours of existential crises they’re undoubtedly also feeling, I still feel like I’m wasting a lot of time. I’m falling victim to, as my therapist husband says, letting good be the enemy of great.

I’m not soaking in the sheer freedom of freedom, because I’m allowing myself to feel guilty for not doing more. I’m eating too much sugar, and letting myself beat myself up and then eat more instead of shining grace upon myself for being human. I’m not moving as much, and then worrying about the ground I’m losing for not moving as much.

And when we go back to our lives, I’ll beat myself up for not teaching myself to live in the moment more, instead of in dwelling in super negativity. I won’t look at the cool things I did do…the writing and trivia creation and movie watching and saving so much money.

Anyone else feeling a little down on yourself? A little like you’re just not doing the right things when you finally have the time to do all the things you swore you’d do when you had the time?

I get you, man. I get you, and you’re not alone. We’re all struggling, you know? I think you’re great, and I’m proud of what you’re doing or not doing. This is the rest you needed if you’re home. If you’re working, know that so many of us are rooting for you and are proud of you for being a general badass in adverse conditions.

So for today, my goal is kindness and forgiveness. And maybe ordering NutriSystem for Men because they’re all over tv.

Tomorrow, though? Probably going to get on the river in the morning. I love cold and rainy days for the relief it gives when I don’t go outside, but the water is beautiful and hopefully will be deserted that early.

So take your thing – even if that thing is Animal Crossing or online shopping and then closing out the tab before you purchase or making a collage of your favorite foods – and put your whole self into it.

Also, it’s Wednesday.

Today’s movie recommendation: Taxi Driver, Netflix. Robert DeNiro gives one hell of a performance, and it has led me to watch a lot of his other movies I hadn’t seen (God, so many).

Series: Waco, Netflix. I remember Ruby Ridge and Randy Weaver, and I remember David Koresh, so this was just bananas in that there were so many things I either never knew or had forgotten.

And today’s song of the day, because why not, is above: The Loneliness and the Scream, by Frightened Rabbit (lyrics). A friend turned me onto this band in 2013 and I have fallen back on their music, particularly this album (The Winter of Mixed Drinks), in troubled times ever since. I would love to see them in concert – definitely at the top of my music bucket list with The Lumineers.


I start every day vowing to become healthier and end every day by zeroing out my fridge.
That's the kind of self-sabotage that forms the core of my being.
You know what I'm good at, though? Spinning words into a magical skein that envelopes you in success. Let's talk about that first, and if snacks end up happening, so be it.

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  1. I love your writing Hoak!! You make me smile 😄

    1. I haven’t heard Hoak in so long! I love you dearly, my girl.

  2. Sue Ellen Novak says:


  3. […] was rough, as I mentioned, but today is a little less so. I set an alarm, just for the luxury of shutting it off, but I also […]

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