Menopause Musings

Oh my gosh you guys, I have missed you.

And I have missed me.

The past however-long-it-has-been-since-I-wrote was long enough that my website crashed and add-ons weren’t updated. None of that seemed remotely important, though, because new ages and stages of my life were unlocked.

I have been going through it, is the point.

But, already, I digress.

Today, we’re going to talk about one particular stage of life: menopause.

Menopause is a huge part of the female lifespan, and at the same time, it’s only one day of our lives. According to the Mayo Clinic (they always seem super on top of definitions from a medical standpoint):

Menopause is the time that marks the end of your menstrual cycles. It’s diagnosed after you’ve gone 12 months without a menstrual period. 

– Ye Olde Mayo Clinic

The Mayo Clinic also drops in an average age of menopause: 51.

As a 48-year-old woman who entered menopause in 2020 at the age of 45, I feel cheated. And I feel angry.

Menopause?

When I was a kid, I obviously literally never thought about menopause. I never thought about ADULTHOOD. I never thought about RESPONSIBILITY. My grandmothers’ perpetually angry countenances were obviously because they were mean, so I steered clear when they were in a mood because I wasn’t dumb.

When I was a young adult, I never thought about menopause. I definitely thought about adulthood and responsibility, but I was too busy trying to figure out how to be a young mother and wife to worry about anything else. My mother was just moody and going through her own shit, but not once did I connect those dots.

As a 35-year-old with a fresh new cancer diagnosis, I listened to my oncologist tell me that I would enter menopause early. It meant nothing to me. I heard next to nothing about menopause, and what I did hear sounded so foreign. Hot flashes? I was always cold, bring it. No period? Oh my gosh, where do I sign?! It all sounded lovely and like a far-off impossibility all at once.

Peri-Menopause

In retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t realize that my peri-menopause years were happening. They hit me like a freight train in 2018, but my willful ignorance protected me. Hell, they may have even hit earlier, but I was drinking then and it was easy to blame everything on alcohol. All I know is that, at 42, I started to feel like I was losing my mind. I had a menstrual cycle that lasted three months and was intense enough in every way that I was either crying or full of sudden rage or frantically looking for more Overnight pads (thank you, Always!) to carry me through. Honestly, I was afraid I was dying.

After an endometrial ablation in August 2018, the tidal wave subsided and I thought that I was finally going to be okay. Of course it crossed my mind that this was likely the beginning of menopause, but I was still SO FULL of nah, can’t be me, that I just kept vibing.

Then, the pandemic. I attributed all of my panic and emotions and the way I turned on my husband, stepsons, and family in general to losing my job and industry and being trapped in my house. NEVER ONCE did I think, I wonder if the menopause shit is also diminishing my ability to handle sudden change?

The One Day

I have to say, I have no idea what my official date of menopause was, but I think it was approximately September of 2020, around the time I was fighting to keep a job between shutdowns two and three with my employer. My cycles had been so weird post-ablation (and honestly pre-ablation), that I just thought this was my life. Between receiving Depo-Provera for 12 years followed by cancer bullshit for a year, I hadn’t seen a normal cycle since I was 20 years old. I just kept my head down and focused all of my stress into keeping bills paid. I tried really hard not to pick fights or break down crying in front of the kids and Josh.

I failed pretty much every day.

My Symptoms

Symptoms are such a mixed bag. I have so much to say about the historical lack of menopause research, but I can save that for later. For now, I can tell you what I experienced.

It was such a slow realization for me. I mentioned alcohol use before…I had been a pretty steady drinker between the ages of 32 and 43. As a result, I attributed a lot of my symptoms to things I had pushed down for years by drinking.

After an excruciatingly painful 2021, I decided 2022 could not be another awful year. I started in-person therapy and started digging in to my physical symptoms.

It felt like foods that I had always eaten were making me sick, so I did microbiome testing and DNA testing focused on nutrition. Both said that I had an extreme gluten insensitivity, so – although it hurt a whole bunch – I kicked the damn gluten. It helped so immediately that it pissed me off.

As hard as that was, the most difficult symptoms have been brain fog and an alarming stomach fat increase.

My brain felt like it had been wrapped in cotton and deprived of oxygen for a little too long. My stomach suddenly looked like it belonged to an old person.

The Supplements

I was not willing to go quietly into the dark night, so I started diving into the world of supplements. My longtime obsession with Mel Robbins paid off as her own menopause journey made it into her podcast, which led me to several great options. I found success with digestive issues with Hum Nutrition’s Flatter Me Extra Strength. After trying several supplements intended to help with brain fog, I found the amazing Dr. Amen and his Brain MD line. Brain Boost has been incredible.

I also love Smart Metabolic Burn and Craving Control to help combat this bullshit with my midsection. Yes, the stomach fat is real, and it is annoying. Between the brain fog and the stomach, it truly feels like I have just been given the controls to a human body that is not mine.

And it’s a stick shift.

The Takeaway

The one thing I have really learned is that I need to find my people. That’s always a great idea, but more so in these times of uncertainty and fear. Previous generations were labeled insane, laughed at, dismissed. Even at my doctor’s appointment THIS MONTH, she dismissed my symptoms with advice to stretch, eat right, exercise, and go to therapy. I am doing every one of those AND spending a ridiculous amount of money on supplements just to feel kind of like I did before this whole thing started. And you’d better believe that if I stray from the plan even a little bit, I suffer immediately.

So here I am, a girl standing in this world looking for her fellow menopause warriors. Please reach out to me, either in comments or through my website form. I need you. You need me. We can teach each other a lot, and laugh and cry along the way.

I love you. You are not alone.