Oh hi

Take the Victories Where You Can. Alternate Title: I’m Back in My Robe.

Victory ebbs and flows. Yesterday I wiggled into jeans and tried to braid my hair. Today I’m back in my robe. #loveyourself

What I wanted to talk about today, though, is hoarding. Before anyone gets prickly, I’m not taking a stance either way. I order my toilet paper and paper towels in bulk from Amazon and get maybe three shipments a year. I haven’t ordered anything above and beyond that.

In fact, I’ve been increasingly nervous about shopping in any form, whether it be online or in person. I’ve consciously decided to let items in cart stay there.

But there’s an exception to every rule, and that exception with me came in the form of Jordan’s Skinny Syrups.

I became gradually addicted to Jordan’s syrups during my short-lived quest to participate in a fitness competition last year. There are something like 50 different flavors, and they actually improve the taste of everything. Coffee? Totally. Oatmeal? You know it. Water? Probably.

They made my protein blends not only palatable, but delicious. Between Jordan’s, True Nutrition pea protein, and Flavor God seasonings, I was set with flavor for less.

So anyway, 15 gained-back pounds later, I realized I was almost out of Jordan’s. Gordman’s, once a reliable purveyor of sugar-free goods, was almost out the last time I went, and had restocked the area with items of lesser quality.

The times demanded, then, that I cut out the middle-man. I had to go straight to the source.

Naturally, there were sales. Everything, essentially, was on sale, at $4.99 a bottle, with one bottle free and free shipping over a certain amount and so on and so forth. While I cringed at the thought of ordering in bulk, I also knew I didn’t want to do this very often. So I bit the bullet and ordered…kind of a lot. And in all the flavors I hadn’t tried before (vanilla cupcake! glazed donut! birthday cake! banana split!). And two bottles for Josh in salted dark chocolate espresso, because he likes that for his coffee and I need to keep him around since he hasn’t articulated noticing that I’m only wearing a robe and barely brushing my hair.

After placing my order last week, I kind of forgot that was happening because I have SO much going on in my life right now.*

*I absolutely don’t.

Then, yesterday, I got all excited and tried to braid my hair and kind of put on makeup, so I celebrated by rolling my trash out to the curb for pickup day at the same time my neighbor was rolling HIS trash out to the curb for pickup day because we use the SAME COMPANY omg. We stood on opposite sides of our road and talked about how crazy this all is and how we don’t want to go ANYWHERE and how can we even trust ANYTHING when NOBODY KNOWS really and it’s allergy season so we REALLY can’t go anywhere because what if you SNEEZE and someone SHOOTS YOU.

You know the talk. It’s a loose variation of the one we’re all having.

So after I smugly told him about how I wasn’t even ordering anything, much less buying anything, and bid him farewell because I had to homeschool the kids like the responsible human I am (factcheck: I’m deadass winging it with books we got them for Christmas last year about all the major school topics, broken out by chapters, and I have them read and then write synopses on topics from history to science to WORLD history to math and I think there’s an English/Reading in there so in NO WAY do I know what I’m doing), I went back into my house, shed my shoes at the door, and washed my hands.

And right after that, the doorbell rang.

We all froze. The kids started to run to the door and I held them back. Who WAS this? Could they be trusted? (no.) Did we need to bleach the area? (immediately and extensively, duh.) What day was it? (no idea.) I actually wondered if it was my neighbor, and that he had forgotten to tell me something, like that there was no more trash pickup.

Then I saw the FedEx guy literally running to his truck (pleasedon’tanswerthedoorpleasedon’tanswerthedoor) and remembered the Jordan’s. Of COURSE I had two boxes delivered moments after I bragged about my no-shopping snobbery.

In case Myron was watching from the safety of his own home, I liberally sprayed the boxes down with Lysol and opened them outside with a knife instead of tearing into them with my bare hands and then left the boxes outside and then I took a picture of the bottles because omg so beautiful.

The point is, I may not be able to wear real clothes, and I may have to buy new robes before this is all over, but at least I had the longest conversation with a neighbor than I’ve ever had with any neighbor since my kid’s preschool best friend lived next door 20 years ago.

So for whatever day this is, that’s gotta be enough.


I start every day vowing to become healthier and end every day by zeroing out my fridge.
That's the kind of self-sabotage that forms the core of my being.
You know what I'm good at, though? Spinning words into a magical skein that envelopes you in success. Let's talk about that first, and if snacks end up happening, so be it.

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